Do you know that feeling? That heart in your mouth. Pounding. Deafening. That pounding that begins when you're picked to read that one paragraph.
One simple paragraph.
One stanza.
One line.
A word.
All is quiet and you think they can hear your heartbeat. Your tired, sweating heart. Your poisonous mind whispering to you. Signaling a mess up. The other mind egging you on. Which one should you listen to? Both mean certain death.
You break the silence. You speak. Beginning that word. Flawless; you think it's smooth sailing now. You get confident, you read more and more and more. But then you can't anymore. Your breath stops. You're fighting with yourself. Your tongue wrapped, held in place. No air in your mouth. No breath. You're gasping for air. You’re stuck on one word. You know what it is, you can't say it your mouth won't let you say it. How can you describe how it feels to have that fight with your tongue and mind. You have no air, no structure, no control you can't form it. It's a word that starts with 'a.' You are always stuck at those. There's something about that letter, you can't defeat it. A A A deep breath pause breath again. "Arise."
The worst is over. You can't see any more 'a' words. Or 'k' words. Or 'w' words. No more dangerous lettered words. It's over. The panic wheels in your mind stop turning. You read on, two more words to go. One word. No more words.
You can't look up. You know you’re burning. Can't look at everyone. Or anyone. What if they're laughing? What if they never understand. You’re ashamed. Angry. Embarrassed. Why is this not over? One part of your brain scolding the other. Scolding your tongue.
Bas karo, khatam bhi hojaye. Doesn't look like it will. You thought it was. You were fluent, flawless, at least in English.
Phir kia hua? Wapis kyun aati rehti hai? How do you fix this? What do you do? Is it even fixable? You thought it was. Everyone told you it was.
Why does it keep bouncing back? No clue. You hate talking. You hate reading. You want to hide somewhere and never come out. You hate yourself.
One moment it's fine.
The next, it's not.
You’re tired of fighting. Fighting to speak. Fighting to gasp for air to grasp those words. You’re tired. You shout at yourself. You can't have this struggle every time.
The struggle to do something that everyone else can do just fine.
