First, we need a reason for bottle beating.
Reasons such as “I felt like it” or “Its fun” are not acceptable. An individual
needs a sensible reason to carry out this art which is called bottle beating.
An example of an acceptable reason is if you’re having a fight (with hands and
feet) with someone, then you can carry out this art. Bottle beating should
never be used to start fights or for revenge; if you do so, then you are a
disgrace to bottle beaters everywhere and you should just use your bottle for
drinking water, which is what most people use bottles for. If the individual
wants to beat the bottle “for fun” then kindly tap lightly instead of exerting
all of your power on it.
Now that you’ve got your reason, it is time for
you to pick a target. Note that your enemies are a bad target as they start
brawls after an episode of bottle beating. I urge you to carry out this art on
your friends and your siblings only……and only if you’re angry at them. “For
fun” carry out your bottle beating with a light tap on anyone you want. Trying
it out on your crushes is also a bad idea so kindly refrain from doing so.
Since you’ve decided your reason and your target,
now it is time to pick up the perfect bottle needed for the beating. Do not; I
repeat do not use a glass bottle or those school bottles. Steel bottles are
also banned……unless you want to go to jail. The best type of bottle to carry
out this art is a plastic, harmless, nestle bottle. The small one, that is. It
is the perfect bottle needed for bottle beating and it doesn’t cause a lot of
damage either, though my friends say otherwise.
The last and most important step needed for bottle
beating is how to hit with the bottle. Surprisingly, the bottle is more
effective if it is empty rather than full. After you have finished all the
water in the bottle and been to the bathroom at least twice, it is time for you
to spot your target. When you have found your victim, you stalk them and go up
to them with a friendly gesture so that they don’t suspect anything. Then, you
hold the top of your bottle and raise your bottle at medium height or higher,
it’s your choice depending on how hard you want the blow to be. Then you bring
your bottle down without faltering and beat your victim on the back or the
shoulder; NEVER the head or any other area.
There are many incidents where I’ve not used my
knowledge of hitting with bottles in the right way. An example of one of these
is that once I hit my best friend with a perfect, empty plastic bottle but it
didn’t hurt her as much as I’d wanted it to. This is a classic example of
someone not applying the correct technique to hit with the bottle. I am sure
that I had not raised the bottle to the correct height, thus I urge you to pay
close attention the technique of hitting with the bottle so that you do not
make this mistake. An example of using the technique correctly is when I hit my
friend with the bottle and he actually felt a lot of pain. I know that he felt
pain because he said “ow!” and rubbed his shoulder which was where I had struck
him.
After you have given your victim a few good
whacks, then you stop beating them and apologize to them if you’re a good
person. Like when I apologized to all my friends on various accounts when I had
hit them with bottles, simply because I didn’t want to be friendless and a
loner. If you’re a jerk then throw a few curses at your victim and lose the few
friends you had. I’ve never been evil enough so I do not have any examples to
share with you.
After you’ve done all the above then you can go on
living your life as you did before and carry out the art of bottle beating
whenever you are in a fix. I have always smiled after I beat someone with a
bottle and kept on living a normal life with my wonderful friends and family.
Although if you throw curses at your victim, then I doubt that they will still
want to be your friends or even your family for that matter.
Now that I have shared the secret to the perfect
bottle beating, I ask you to use it wisely. A few warnings have to be given
though. Only carry out this art if you want to be branded as an angry, bottle
beating person your entire life. This is not a joke because I used to beat
people with bottles in 9th grade and after the end of 11th grade, I was still
called a bottle beater as my friend gladly pointed out to her new friend, and
my friend also demonstrated with an incorrect bottle: the big nestle one which
wasn’t fully empty by tapping me on the head (also incorrect). Do not indulge
in bottle beating if you want to be the sweet, kind person. I advise you to
carry out this task if you want to be friendless and named as angry your entire
life (not that that’s what people think of me, but I’m just saying). Because
bottle beating WILL cause people who don’t understand this art to call you
angry, bad-tempered and bottle beater. They will also make cracks about your
marriage partner being bruised and then they’ll abandon you. What happened with
me was that in my school yearbook my oh-so-wonderful friends wrote that I will
have a bruised husband, that I have extreme anger syndrome and that I should be
kept away from glass bottles. Thus, I have been branded as an angry bottle
beater and did you spot those jokes about me having a bruised husband? Yes,
that is just an example of what could happen to you and it will stay there
forever IN INK. So, do not become a bottle beater if you want to be called nice
and sweet.
Another word of advice is that do not try to
explain them this art because they will never understand it, simply because
they are naïve and closed-minded. Just mock them for their unimaginativeness.
Yes, I might be a little hurt and offended by my friends’ jokes, but that does
not mean that I want to hit them with glass bottles because that is wrong and
evil. Though, they were evil too and mean. No one sees me going around saying
that their husbands will be bruised. And with that I leave you to use bottle
beating wisely.
Cheerio.
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